You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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