Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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