you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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