On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize