ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
