You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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