dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
