HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
