I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
