note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
