Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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