Swine flu. Run for my life!
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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