she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just had sex on a roof
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
