opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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