so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
