The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
