i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
