Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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