So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
