Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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