i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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