I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
