First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
