Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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