shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
