one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
