MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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