My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
