i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
