Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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