Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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