No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
