dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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