At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
