just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
