i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
