you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
