MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
