I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
