my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
