I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
