she smelled like a LAN party
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
