i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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