Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
