just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
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