My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I forget how to act sober
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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