just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize