I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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