I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
