there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
