dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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