we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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