Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize