Will you blow on my dice?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
