69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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