I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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