i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
