why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
