Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
