He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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