Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
