okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
