I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize