you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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