Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
