Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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