She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
