Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Two words: blizzard sex
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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