how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
