I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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