You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
