it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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