So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
