I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize