Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
