I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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